Children
constantly strive for independence, but parents continually stifle that quest
for freedom. How? By telling their children what they should do, how they should
do it, and where that should happen. You’ve probably been there with your child
whose homework wasn’t turned in on time. You tell your child he needs to finish
homework before play. You tell your child that she should do homework without
the TV playing in the background. You tell him that he needs to do his homework
in the kitchen so you can watch as he finishes. Translate that into your own
work world. One day you’re late for work because of an accident on the
expressway. Your boss tells you that you should leave earlier to plan for
accidents. She tells you that you need to plan an alternative route before the
accident happens so you’re prepared. Or your boss might actually tell you get
one of those new APPs for your phone that warns you when you need to leave to
avoid the accident. Say what? Who is she to tell me you to live your life? How
do you feel about such an overbearing, demanding boss? Your children feel the
same way when you constantly tell them what to do.
So, what can you do
when you know your child is running astray, but you don’t want to seem like that
overbearing boss? Here are some ideas:
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Encourage independence gradually as your children mature. For example, when you read stories to your two-year-old, allow her to turn the pages, rather than turning them for her. Some children like to study the picture on the page before having a parent turn the page for them. When she grows older, she’s more likely to make wise decisions if she was allowed to make little decisions when she was young.
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With parenting, less is sometimes more. In other words, the less you do for your children, the more they'll do for themselves. When my girls were ten, I began "allowing" them to do their own laundry! After a while, they began to see these little chores as rites of passage to maturity.
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Teach your children skills that will help them cope with emergencies rather than overprotecting them. For years, I had a plaque on my desk that read: Prepare your child for the road rather than preparing the road for the child. Help your child to understand that life’s road is seldom smooth and sometimes very bumpy. When you ride in your car, present hypothetical scenarios and discuss how your teen will react. You might even work together one rainy day to develop scenario cards that you can keep in the car. Studies have proven that the forward motion of the car actually facilitates conversation with teenagers who are reluctant to share their thoughts.
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Show your child how to effectively manage his time so he can independently choose to do homework before playing. In other words, practice what you preach. If you have a deadline looming, explain that you can play ball after you finish the report. Give your child a realistic time to consider – an hour? Two hours? That way, he won’t come in every fifteen minutes to disturb your concentration, which will further delay your time with him.
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Offer guided choices. If I had to list the number one way to get kids to cooperate and listen, it would be this suggestion. Guided choices provide alternatives that you can both live with. They are not ultimatums. For example, you might say to your six-year-old, “It’s bed time. Do you want a story first or do you want to brush your teeth first?” Either way, you get what you want – a child in bed by 8:00, but the child gets independence through your guided choices. Guided choices require two things: A given circumstance (it’s bed time) and creativity with the choices (book or teeth first?). Now here’s an example of an ultimatum: “Do you want to go to bed immediately or forget about going to the movies tomorrow? You choose.” Where’s the choice? There is none. The child wants to go to the movies so he begrudgingly complies with the demand. See the difference?
The job description
that comes with being a child includes testing parents. Expect that the above
suggestions will work most of the time. However, there will be times when
absolutely nothing works. That’s when you need to put on your prison guard
helmet and be firm about what needs to happen, without choices, and without fun.
However, that should occur only 5% of your time with your children. The other
95% should involve a happy relationship as they mature into strong adults. Use
our EnteleTrons™
books to help your students realize their emotional
potential.
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